The (Legal) Gandor Family Business
by Queen Eli
Summary: It's now the 21st century, and since the Mafia has declined in popularity, the Gandors have decided to open a more legitimate business: a supermarket. They didn't expect it to come with crazy treasurers, possibly rabid employees, crazy competitors, and bomb-wielding security guards. A parody of comedic sitcoms and the like. Complete crack ahead, ye be warned.
1. Episode 1

**The (Legal) Gandor Family Business: A Sitcom**

Summary: It's now the 21st century, and since the Mafia has declined in popularity, the Gandors have decided to open a more legitimate business: a supermarket. They didn't expect it to come with crazy treasurers, possibly rabid employees, crazy competitors, and bomb-wielding security guards. A parody of comedic sitcoms and the like. Complete crack ahead, ye be warned.

**Episode One: In which Dallas breaks things and Keith thinks about his life choices**

"Hey Luck, where do all these heavy boxes go?"

Luck, who was currently sipping on a box of apple juice (you know, the kind moms give their kids in elementary school) while lying on a beach chair that was extended so that he could lie comfortably on it with a plastic umbrella spread behind him, looked over at Dallas, their most reckless and possibly rabid employee, over his thick sunglasses. He was currently attempting to balance several heavy boxes marked with the red words "FRAGILE" on the sides and top on his head, like he normally did with all the things that he really shouldn't be trying to balance on his head.

"Oh, those are the vases Keith ordered last week. Go put 'em over with the furniture, nincompoop." Luck waved him away with his hand, and Dallas glared at him defiantly, but Luck didn't manage to see it because the sunglasses made him half blind. When he reached into the cooler to dredge up another apple juice, however, there was a loud crash, and Luck pushed his sunglasses up to see what had happened. Of course, as he'd predicted, Dallas lied sprawled out on the aisle, the boxes all around him, some of the vases lying shattered on the floor from where they'd fallen out. A few curious customers had stopped to look for a moment, before they stepped around him and continued on with their shopping experience.

"Now look what you did!" Luck proclaimed, before tilting his head back and yelling, "Keith! Dallas broke the vases!"

"It's yer fault for not putting up a wet floor sign, tha' only reason I broke 'em is 'cause there was a puddle!" Dallas protested, jumping up from the floor and pointing at him accusingly.

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

Before they could say another word, they'd both been picked up by the scruffs of their necks by Berga, the middle Gandor brother, and he held them apart as they attempted to go at each other. "Will you two shut up? You're giving me, and everyone else a headache!" Luck just huffed, and Dallas stuck out his tongue impudently before Berga dropped them. "Get back to work, nincompoop, and you'd better get back to your paperwork, Luck, or Huey will kill you. Again." Luck and Dallas both grumbled as they went their separate ways, and as Luck tried to sneak past Huey, his secretary, a hand grabbed him by the back of the shirt and he winced.

"Trying to fool me again, mister Gandor?" The raven-haired Frenchman growled as he lifted up a baseball bat from behind his desk. "Those papers were due last Tuesday!"

From the back office, Keith, the oldest Gandor brother, opened up another large two-liter of grape juice as he heard Luck's screams from the other room and started to drink it sorrowfully, wondering where he'd gone wrong. He didn't think it would be too difficult, running a supermarket. After all, they were a Mafia family. What couldn't they handle?

He was so very wrong.

"Keith, are you drowning your sorrows in grape juice again?" Berga asked when he walked in, and Keith only looked at him sadly before downing the rest of the bottle quickly.

This was truly going to be a very interesting story, indeed.


	2. Episode 2

**Episode Two: In which Luck's laptop arrives and more people are introduced**

"Hey, Luck, I got a package for ya'," Firo, the Gandor's paperboy and delivery man announced as he came into Luck's office, carrying a rather large box in his arms. Luck, who had been (for once) dilligently working on the large stack of paperwork that he had to do, and Dallas, who had been (for once) reading a TIME magazine instead of breaking things, both looked up when Firo walked in.

"A package? For me? You shouldn't have!" Luck exclaimed, running over to Firo and taking the box from him. He dropped a few quarters on the boy's head, saying "Here, take a tip. Don't spend it all in one place." That done, he sat on the ground while Dallas peered curiously over his shoulder. "Yay, it finally came!"

"Ooh, what is it?" Dallas asked, reaching out to touch it. Luck slapped his hand away, frowning.

"Don't touch it, you'll probably break it," he snapped, and Dallas grumbled as Luck tore open the box excitedly. "My new laptop, of course!" He happily lifted the computer from the box full of packing peanuts and bubble wrap, then hugged it close to him. "I ordered it three days ago, coincidentally right before our old desktop computer broke down."

"Is that why I saw Keith sneak off with a box full of pineapple juice?" Dallas asked as he busied himself with popping the bubble wrap.

"Yeah, he had an emotional attachment to it, I think. He tends to get emotionally attached to inanimate objects, and when they break he cries and drowns his sorrows in fruit juice. Kate tried to take him to the hospital, but he locked himself in the cellar." Luck replied, as if it were the most normal thing in the world. As he plugged the charger into the laptop, Huey walked in, his face wearing its usual expression of annoyance.

"Will you please stop popping that bubble wrap before I lose my mind?" He growled at Dallas, who rolled his eyes. "And you, get back to work or I'll smash that thing with a hammer."

"You wouldn't dare," Luck whispered, eyes wide as he wrapped his arms around it protectively.

"But I would, and if I hear one more noise coming from this room, I'm going to kill both of you," Huey warned as he stalked off in the other direction.

As he left, Dallas looked over at Luck and winked as he slowly, deliberately pressed down on the last unpopped bubble.

A few milliseconds later, the two burst from the office like hens in a henhouse, with Huey the fox in pursuit with a rather large lead pipe. As Luck made his way into the frozen food aisle, Dallas managed to run into Chane Laforet, the daughter of the secretary and he one in charge of inventory and checkout lines.

"Hey, Chane, do me a favor and tell your dad I went to the furniture section if he comes this way, alright?" Dallas told her, before jumping into the large $5 movie bin behind her. As he did, Huey came skidding around the corner, covered in frost.

"Which way did he go?" He asked, brandishing his pipe with malice. Chane pointed off down towards the furniture, and Huey took off.

_I don't even get a thank you,_ Chane sighed (telepathically, of course, considering that she was mute), looking over at the movie bin. _He's gone._ Dallas popped out of the bin, a copy of "Pokemon: Heroes" on his head, and he sighed in relief.

"Thanks pal. Here, take this movie as a token of my gratitude," Dallas proclaimed, handing her the movie before he, too took off.

_...at least I got a thank you this time. These people are strange._ Chane said as she examined the movie.

Dallas, meanwhile, took off down the frozen food aisles to look for Luck. He skidded to a stop in front of the ice cream section, where he noticed his "Da Boss" hat sitting on top of one of the cartons of ice cream. Opening the door, he pushed the cartons aside to see Luck curled up in the back, icicles forming on his eyelashes and frost covering his body.

"I-is he g-g-gone?" He shivered, and Dallas reached in to grab him and pull him out.

"I wouldn't be here if he wasn't, stupid. Now, let's go see if Claire has any safety to offer for us." Without further ado, the awkward duo ran off to the treasurer's office to see if he had any refuge. When they reached the back door, Luck banged loudly on it, and the door opened a crack.

"_Who dares disturb my slumber?_" A voice, eerily similar to the sand-tiger in Aladdin growled from behind it, eyes glowing in the dark.

"Alright, cut the imitations Claire, we need refuge," Luck stated, and the door opened all the way to reveal Claire, who stood with his hands on his hips and his eyes narrowed.

"You're no fun, Luck!" He protested, and Luck squeezed past him into the office. Dallas followed suit, and Claire shut the door again before curling himself securely over a wooden box. You see, the Gandors did away with their safe after Luck locked himself in one too many times, so now they kept it all in a large wooden box that Claire guarded viciously. Once upon a time not too long ago, a man tried to rob the store. He managed to get into the treasurer's office, but before he could put a hand on even a penny of the Gandors' savings, Claire attacked. It took four people to pry Claire off of the guy, and he'd practically begged the police to take him away afterwards. "So what did you do to Huey this time?"

"Don't blame me, it was Dallas's fault," Luck replied, and Dallas shot a nasty glare in his direction.

"Yeah right, you were in on the joke!"

"I'm not the one who popped the bubble wrap."

"You let me do it!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Oh, we are not doing this again," Luck groaned, and suddenly he stopped. "Footsteps! I bet it's him," he whimpered, and suddenly, Dallas was clinging to him.

"What do we do, Lucky, what do we do?"

"We hide," Luck told him, before turning to Claire. "Claire, let us hide in the box!"

"Not a chance, bossman," Claire hissed, frowning at them.

"He's getting closer!" Dallas said in a high whisper, and Luck looked over at Claire again.

"Please Claire?"

"Maybe if I get a pay increase of fifteen percent."

"What do you need a fifteen percent pay increase for?" Luck asked curiously, and Dallas hugged him closer, nearly cutting off the circulation to his lower half. "Gah—nevermind, nevermind! You can have the pay increase, just please, let us hide in the box!"

"Deal," Claire grinned, and the two scrambled inside of the box and Claire locked it securely just as Huey barged in through the door, a lampshade hanging off of his head.

"I know they're in here," Huey growled, low and feral as he swung the lead pipe from side to side. "Give them up, Claire."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Claire replied as he sat on the box, looking at his nails boredly.

"Claire."

"Nobody's home."

"Claire."

"They're not here."

"_Claire._"

"They must've flown the coop, Pops." Claire then jumped up and put an arm around Huey's shoulders, grinning wide. "Why don't we go get some lunch, old buddy old pal? Then you can come back and thrash them on a full stomach."

"...eh, why not. I am starving, so long as we go to Cracker Barrel, they have free pancakes tonight," Huey replied as they then left the room, leaving Luck and Dallas still stuck in the box.

"Did he just leave?" Dallas whispered.

"I think he did," Luck whispered back, frowning.

"Oh well, we'll be fine. At least we have money."

"...oh God, I can feel the walls closing in on me! Let me out! Claire! _**CLAIRE**_!"

They were finally let out when Luck managed to chew a hole through the side of the box, but they were then thrashed silly by Huey who'd heard their screams. A terrible fate, indeed, but at least Luck saved his laptop.


End file.
